She's home.. and all is right in the world tonight

Yesterday we were told that it was a good possibility that Hayden was going to get to go home today, but I kept telling myself that because she was having her lumbar puncture done today that likely because of the anesthetic.. she would be staying one more night. I was ok with that. We had already done 10 days, so what was one more night?
So this morning we got up, and Hayden wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything because she was having her procedure done. Try telling a steroid enraged, almost 2 year old diva that she wasn't able to eat or drink. We were all scared for our lives, but miraculously survived! At 12:15pm she got a round of chemo in our room, and then at 1pm we were taken down to the procedure room, and we were back up to our room by 2.
Finally, the monster was fed! I don't think i've ever seen her eat so much. Usually Hayden is a food picker, but lately she wants cheesies, cookies, well.. anything garbage!  Her lunch today consisted of kraft dinner, a hot dog (without the bun), 1.5 large bananas, and a cookie. This might seem like a normal amount for you, but for her.. it's huge!
We were then given the great news.. If Hayden drank what was left in her cup, she could go home. I don't think I've ever pushed fluids down that kids mouth so quickly! Mind you, she gladly drank them. Apparently everytime they change her port from IV to blood transfusion.. to platelets .. to chemo.. they flush the line with a saline, giving her that salty taste in her mouth - therefore drinking LOTS!
So, after the cup was finished.. we got told that we were allowed to finally take our sweet Hayden home.
I've said before that I was nervous and excited about bringing her home, but when it finally came time for us to go.. I was scared out of my tree. I had to learn how to follow medication charts, and we have to carry a binder every where we go in case we're somewhere and fever breaks out.. it's extremely over whelming. I know i'm not the first mom to ever have to go through all of this with a child, but it's still extremely over whelming. I actually sat with our nurse case manager, Julie, and had a big cry. I think I needed it too because the tears just kept flowing. We talked about how I was feeling, and although everyone has asked me and I'm always saying that I'm good.. I guess deep down I really just needed a good cry. I am trying to not be mad at the world for this, and I told Julie that If I could wish the next 2 years away so Hayden could be over and done with this nightmare I would.. and yes, I realize that would be me wishing away a good portion of her toddler-hood.. but I'm pretty sure any mom in this situation would. She told me it was ok to feel how i'm feeling, and that all of my questions and thoughts were completely normal to have. She nailed it on the head when she said "You didn't picture your lives this way. We came barreling in at your family like a mack truck and completely turned your life upside down." Who does picture your life this way? I feel horrible for families that have to go through situations like this.. and now our family is living it. I also told Julie that one of my biggest fears is that people are going to look at Hayden like she's a little different for the next few months, and that it literally breaks my heart. Again, a normal fear all parents have when their kids have to live a little differently then other kids do.
Hayden is practically under quarantine until Feb 5th, which is when her maintenance period will hopefully be over if all goes well. They have told us that they would prefer if people had a flu shot when coming to visit her, and of course proper hand washing is ideal. I've gone a little overboard with the antibacterial soap and hand sanitizer.. surface wipes, and cleaning supplies.. BUT.. I'm glad I did. I feel a little more ok with her being under my watch because of it.
I sat on the couch and watched Hayden eat her dinner tonight, and I had a calmness come over me. I had my little girl home. The first thing she did when she came into the house tonight was run over to her ball that her and daddy kick up and down the hallway, then terrorized her kitchen set she got for christmas, then acknowledged her cute kitties.. then of course was ready to eat :-)
My sister shared a picture of Hayden on facebook tonight, and she wrote that her coming home was a small but important win in her journey.  This is the best win of our life.. so far.  I can hear her in her monitor as I type this, and my heart is full. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers, love and support. I truly believe it's helping our little Hayden. xo